to the unnoticed

his heart is gold

gold like kings 

gold like he sees,

my heart is black, 

black like space, 

black without grace. 

and only black. 

not silver, 

not gold;

just black.

unseen and 

under cover

I sit still;

and he only sees gold.

                       photo by me.

some kinda love

to the humans still reading blogs, thanks. 

he's surrounded by rain,

it consistently falls around him and I consistently fall into him;

it's always been that way.

we've never held hands 

let alone stolen a kiss,

but we've danced;

and that's kind of like holding hands anyways. 

he did say he loved me,

but he only said it once. 

twice would've wounded me,

three would've killed me.

and frankly a fourth would've healed me. 

but the road was long 

and the directions were far too obscure.

and now he's gone.

706 miles,

far 

too 

gone. 

I've written so many unsent letters

because I write novels 

and he writes sentences,

so why bother anymore?

and I can't believe I still write about him,

because he was only a one-time-I-love-you,

and I deserved more than just a couple words. 

but like I said, 

the rain consistently falls around him,

and I consistently fall into him;

some kinda love, isn't it?

code blue

pitter-patter

drip-drop

listening to the rain like listening to his heartbeat;

uneven but still alive.

I didn't know his head ached or his bones ached 

but I knew his eyes were red,

and empty glass bottles cut his fingers every once in a while.

pitter-patter

drip-drop

arms tired like his eyes

and his knuckles swollen blue,

Mother Nature cried for him

and he cried for him too;

alone and eyes still red, 

he drank from the glass bottles

and to the sky he went.

pitter-patter,

drip-drop.

the sounds of tears

her tears

their tears

all falling for him;

the glass bottles empty

and a bullet to his throat,

a cut finger and a simple note:

"my bones, 

my heart, 

they ached too much,

I love you, I'm sorry

I lost my earthly crutch"

pitter-patter

drip-drop.

a flat line and a muted buzz,

code blue.

time of death: twelve fourty two. 

3 years

tonight, I miss you

after 2 months of of holding it in

i let myself miss you. 

when you left I tried to shut you out

because 2 years is a long time to miss someone you've loved for the past 3.

tonight I read your letters, 

black words on white paper,

ink minimally smudged;

and my heart broke. 

it broke in the I-love-you-so-much type of way, because you admitted to caring,

you admitted to having a heart,

you admitted to the capability of love;

and your finally admitted to missing me back, 

something I've been waiting to hear for 3 years.

it was closure, but it was an open path

and that's why tonight,

I miss you;

because after 3 years or waiting,

you finally miss me too.

poem sketches

couldn't think of something to draw, so I went ahead and snagged a few lines from my favorite poems I've written and made them into some sketches. 

missing someone I shouldn't miss

first things first, he was probably never mine,

and I was never his, hers or theirs

because I only met him 5 days ago and 5 days means 'too fast'

too fast for his heart or too fast for hers, but our definition of too fast was just right.

it was enough to get attached 

it was enough to sing love songs and it was enough to let hearts get jittery

but I still feel like I can't miss you

I'm ineligible

but I know I'm perfectly capable

and I think you'd at least give me that, 

because when you sang the line "I've fallen quite hard over you" you sang into my eyes

and you smiled

because in that moment I think you became capable too

and we both became vulnerable.

it was bike rides and random

"I love you to deaths"

because words like that tasted like sugar on our tongues.

the way you talked about God made me feel like home,

and your voice always made my heart weak.

but surely, that was just for that moment because frankly,

no one like you would ever miss me

and unfortunately those 5 days were probably our last.

and that is why I am heartbreakingly ineligible, 

I'm not supposed to miss you

but I will anyways, 

and I think I'll eventually stop

but for now I'll let my heart break a little more

because those 5 days were worth the pain and vulnerability.

lake days

it's something about a mountain breeze and pine trees,

lake days and sun rays;

they make our brains think and our hearts beat

and our lips dry

but that's not anything you couldn't fix.

blue skies like your eyes,

not even the clouds could fog my vision because all I needed to see was you.

and we both know fireworks weren't just in the sky that night,

they were the days spent next to you,

my bravest days. 

they were laughs around the fire and endless boat rides and card games and 29 mosquito bites.

they were your hands and awkward day ones. 

they were bad comebacks and surprise attacks and the way our voices harmonized.

they were us,

unexpected and out of range, 

but realer than anything.

so here's to summer and cabins on the lake and you,

thanks for being so sweet.