sober

tonight I was surrounded by bottles and people

bottles, people, more bottles 

and at one point I had a bottle in my hand

three minutes it took 

I glimpsed, I held, but did not taste 

three minutes I had 

but did not taste. 

the boy who used me was there,

along with the one who drove me home and the other who I despised;

all held bottles,

which eventually became empty. 

the boy who used me said he knew heartbreak,

I said I knew it more. 

he laughed and he turned away

and found someone that was just a little bit less pathetic than me.

he held a bottle,

but had two in his back pocket.

the rest of them talked loudly 

the rest of them yelling cheers 

and in the middle of them

I stood still;

idle and bottle-less

sober. 

and I longed for the taste. 

 

hard core nostalgia

I miss creative writing,

because when Leo finally won an Oscar

I thought about that one time we all dressed up and ate food and walked the red carpet.

I remember expressing feelings and it being okay,

I remember talent and true friendship.

I miss the high school tennis courts,

lots of the girls 

definitely not the coach

but mostly that state champ plaque with my name on it hanging above court 5.

I miss my calculus teacher, 

because at least then math was a challenge and I had a teacher who remembered my name. 

I miss my cello,

I miss that a lot;

playing in the orchestra every day

solo and ensemble 

and the feeling of nailing the octaves of Concerto in A minor by Saint-Saens.

I miss ditching school to be rebellious

I miss canyon drives 

I miss cheering at football and basketball games 

I miss Señora Swartz

I miss getting hot bevs with grace

and most of all, 

I miss seeing him every day. 

he went from consistent contact to sporadic letters 

and I didn't really know how much I loved him until he loved me on paper.

I miss being a simple,

dependent, 

emotional,

inspired,

passionate 

kid.

I miss high school. 

not everyone can say that, 

but for me,

high school was a highlight,

because at least then I had a full size bed and drinking alcohol wasn't even a thing

and I didn't have to make dinner 

and my writing was exceptionally better. 

becoming is adult was hard

being a student athlete is hard

not being able to play cello anymore is hard

making dinner is hard

not seeing him every day is hard

and feeling uninspired is hard. 

college is hard.

so kids, soak it up while you can 

because graduation comes before you know it. 

you may be excited now, 

but when you literally have to nap 24/7 and you have 5 essays due

you DEFINITELY will miss high school.