irises

sorry for love yet again.

it's just what hurts.

I always thought you had brown eyes.

they were soft and deep,

kind of like your soul and a little bit how you spoke.

they defined you and me

and the proximity 

of our fingers intertwined.

I missed them often

but they were always familiar;

always immutable

always brown.

but last night you looked right into me

and when I looked back,

I saw hazel

something I'd never seen in you.

I had known you for three and a half years and never saw that obvious green tint that blended between the brown I had always loved.

maybe brown was always for me,

but last night when I saw green I knew it was only for her.

your eyes became strangers and in five slow seconds,

my heart broke its last piece;

the last shard still standing became shattered, and it felt like my arteries couldn't keep pumping the last ounce of blood back out into my veins.

I cried

but the rain covered up my tears;

the sky knew I didn't want you to see.

you left me with bare palms and a weakening pulse

wet hair, wet clothes

and my wet eyes,

they longed for brown when I got my last glimpse;

but all I saw was hazel.

that green tint that blended between the edges of brown.

a hard, shallow,

non-immutable,

unfamiliar

hazel.

video

sorry I edited just a wee bit. I had some time. 

also, I performed this on April 21, the day before my birthday. and 18 isnt as scary as I thought. so here I am, slammin in the canyon.

words we swallowed

it was warm and june;

the type of day when 'I love you's' and 'I hate you's' meant the same thing and dandelions were more that just weeds.

we came at dusk and didn't leave till dawn;

our moms were mad and our words weren't much

but our eyes said everything,

except for what we both needed to hear.

our tongues weren't brave enough,

our hearts weren't brave enough,

not even our eyes were brave enough

and perhaps that's why my wounds still sting and your middle seat is filled.

people call us complexity

we want to be called clarity 

but we both know clarity doesn't start with a plus-one and blue eyes;

it starts with you-plus-me

and dark green pine trees

just like the ones in june.

if only we had choked instead of swallowed that warm day somewhere in between dusk and dawn.

'I love you' would've come out sooner.

eat, sleep, think, repeat.

spring break comes with a routine:

eat, think, eat, sleep, think, eat, think, think, think

think

sleep

repeat.

there is too much time for my mind to wander, and call me crazy but I would rather read my language textbook than be thinking.

I've looked everywhere for the off switch 

so I could listen to the waves crash without hearing the faint sound of your soft voices echoing with the whitewater.

it's replaying in my mind like a 

scratched cd;

his weak smile and sparks in his eyes; a heartbreaking sense of longing and lust with you;

and the scary part is that

they both make sense.

but my lungs are growing weak from the exhaustion of running away from what I want most,

and my heart is confused on the subject of friendship.

the empty feeling is becoming constant and I want it to leave,

but I want it to leave the right way.

so, to love with pain and longing

or to love unfaithfully;

because no matter how much I love him I will always have the thought of you in the back of my broken mind

wishing every kiss, every touch

every conversation

was with you. 

it's a sick disease 

and unfortunately I cannot imagine the day where I will finally be able to say,

"I don't love you anymore"

maybe someday you'll take a good look into my eyes

and see past the thick layer of whatever was holding you back and think, "it's always been her"

because I know for myself 

it'll always be you.