running

my lungs are burning,

gasping for air with every stride

watching the trees go by

I am running.

the colors are turning fast

and my mind wants to catch up

but my heart has a calendar of its own,

and it says May 28 shouldn't be

this close

I am running.

my legs want to stop

and memories are being made,

but the clock ticks on 

and those memories are becoming blurs;

minds are spinning

legs are still moving

I am running.

I am running

I am running

I am running

hell, im sprinting

and baby this is the last mile of 26.2

my lungs are burning,

gasping for air with every stride.

why am I still running?

if you really knew me

i didnt get to do one of these, and because CW1 is revealing themselves this week i thought maybe i could too. im scared.


if you really knew me, you would know little french shops
and italian gelato
chocolate and strawberry to be exact.

you would know my fingers long for piano keys
even though i have never owned a piano in my life
you would know gardens filled with roses and peonies
red, pink, and that pretty warm orange color that they put out in the front row at home depot in june.
you would feel a lot of love
it would feel like that pretty orange color in june sometimes
but mostly it would feel black.

you would know a variety of red lipsticks
named things like hot rod or cherry kiss
but never just plain red.

you would know chanel perfumes and pink vanities,
books without a book case, loud alarm clocks, people in picture frames,
sheet music, an application to juilliard, an unmade bed, california license plates,
and a plethora of sketch books filled with drawings of humans i have never met;
they are all different.

you would know hiking trails and mountain breezes
and that my lungs only breathe in the sea salt and pine.

you would know shutter speed and aperture
because my nikon d90 lives in the apples of my eyes,

and that i have an entire playlist made up of ben howard, keaton henson and tom odell;
and how its for when i finally get my first kiss.
you would know that ive been absolutely broken many times
and im pretty good at covering up the layer of heartbreak
that tries to seep through my words like fog.
but you would know only the best of the best can see through it.

you would know i love to be fancy but my sweats are my best friends,
and that swinging on the swings makes me happy;
you would know my biggest insecurity are my legs
because no matter how much running or squatting i do they stay the exact same.
you would know that my cello lives in my soul
and that bach is my favorite composer.

you would know that tennis isnt just what i play,
its what i live for

and that i always peel my apples before i eat them.
you would know ive always wished my name was lola
and that i prefer bubble gum over mint
and that i watch too many movies
and that i study harry potter religiously.
you would know the real me:
jacqueline jane bitton,
born on april 22, 1997 at 6:38am
and that i came out blue.
shout out to the doctors for draining my lungs
and shout out to god for making me
me.

now you know me,
i still hope you like me.

An Ode to Julie-O

Julie-O

the piece my mind raced to when I first heard Lisa Jackson play it in the 9th grade. 

it was swift

it was crisp

it swung in ways my fingers wanted to

it was the first time I fell in love with sixteenth notes and pizzicato;

it was the first time the cello and my heart became one.

I had played for 3 years prior but hadn't at the same time.

I played for mom and dad

sometimes grandma and grandpa, 

but never for me

I was just a jock and a kid on student council

being a musician came last and tuning to an A seemed pointless.

but Julie-O, you made me.

you turned a mindset of popularity into a piece of art covered in F sharps and grace notes

you created a love for crescendos and concertos and a soul craving rosin on her bow and strings beneath her fingers;

you made beauty in her eyes out of rosewood and fiberglass pegs;

you let ME discover myself.

so this is an ode to you, Julie-O

thank you for letting me hear you

and learn you and your crazy cello-slapping wonders,

and hopefully someday I will perform you,

because true love deserves to be shared,

and this type of love is a masterpiece.

I love you, Julie-O.

http://youtu.be/37kDLZonLMk

(sorry, I am unable to beat box to this song. so don't get your hopes up)
http://youtu.be/_FRnYr3FaXI

(this one is the cover I semi-copied)

http://youtu.be/QCVJlPAtTpk

(also here's something I did, not Julie-O)

also thanks Lisa for being a great friend/cellist. you inspire me.

reality

the thought of facing reality on friday has been haunting me since I left two saturdays ago.

reality means spanish tests and learning about how to make someone's heart beat again

it means pretending to care about the pointless lunch conversations and choking on guilt at the sight of you.

I tried to forget about it while I was away but you must of injected me with grief and pain because every time I opened my eyes my first thought was you;

not because I want you

not because I still love you

but because I miss you.

we were odds and evens

a mix of hazel and deep brown

and an octave slightly out of tune

but we still sounded good.

but it's been four weeks

it's been FOUR weeks and babe I'm afraid it'll go to five;

maybe add six more onto that.

I bet after eleven we will be numb,

our memories wiped and yearbooks unsigned.

we won't walk at graduation together;

you won't recognize me wearing that dull shade of maroon and you will blend in with the other boys in black;

and when they call our names we won't acknowledge the history behind the letters because we won't care anymore.

it's hard to think about not caring.

but it may just be easier

and maybe if I don't care I can finally give my heart to that boy in fourth period because I won't be worrying about how I'm going to explain myself to you

or when I'm going to dial your number and actually press send

when I'm going to respond to your texts you sent five weeks ago

I loved you.

im sorry too.

I understand, I think.

but trying to go back to journey and sub zero on school nights won't happen.

she will be there

it won't be bad but it won't be the same

the ice cream will be bitter

and 'faithfully' won't sound as good when it comes on 94.1

2013 won't be 2015

and the octave will be flatter than it has ever been.

I guess forgetting will have to be okay.

project #1

I wish I could be there to see what you have all created, but here's what I did:

I scavenged for paper at my hotel, took lines from all your blogs, added a few words and made some very minor changes so it would make sense, and walla. I give you a class poem arranged by me.

i also may or may not have written this by the pool this morning. (sorry nelson)

I do not know exactly what my heart wants to say

but it's been 8 years and I'm running out of dust.

I can't love anyone without hating something about them;

they say love is doing everything

love is doing anything.

sometimes I don't know who I am

my therapist said "you're good" and "you can"

but it's 47 minutes after midnight and I'm still gasping.

my mind felt things

thought in ways it hadn't before,

was touched like none other

all because of you.

I remember the variety of options I had

I remember how I chose you

and how I counted every second after I met you and my heart counted every rapid beat after that

but somewhere along the line I skipped beats and lost count because your eyes went from blue to sharp grey and your heart went cold and I had a staring contest with disappointment.

midnight just got darker and it seemed like the clouds cried with me.

I cut the strings I cut the ropes 

I used to know but now I don't.

you were my rebel without a cause

you are the reason I heave through corrupted lungs

and now I'm down to 8% on this laptop and that's how life feels sometimes

but darling now life is black and all I want is white.

I fought my feet and stopped for a little once hoping that time would move real slow. 

the grass grew between our toes;

our feet were firm 

our eyes were more.

we were piano keys and fifteens

and I'm starting to wonder if maybe those stars were your eyes because I could've sworn I lived to love you,

but eventually time moved on and so did we.

you know I may have broken a few hearts, but at least I did my best to glue them back together.

my heart has been given away so many times I'm not even sure it's mine anymore. 

he always looked at me like he did when he played the wrong note and I was naive enough to give into his bad apologies

he was 6:45 in the middle of July

I was 7:11 at the end of June

he was never him and I was never her.

now love drives a big black car

residing alone in the back seat I sit still

trying to remember where I kept my glue.

healing is hard

I saw you in the hallway today

I'll be honest I thought it was real.

curly blond hair. blue eyes. converse.

it scared me, you weren't supposed to be there 

but when I blinked, you were gone.

my heart pounded

I was scared

I was alone

there was no one to be seen;

just the sounds of my heavy breathing and brisk footsteps two halls over.

it must of been the lack of sleep and the dull throb of xanax that never worked and hasn't worked since last thursday.

but I had seen you

and I wanted to shout your name and pretend you hadn't jumped in front of that train,

but I was afraid you had forgotten my name.

things have been so fragile 

and I don't know when it's appropriate to

start feeling 'okay' again. 

I want to feel okay but dang it people I just can't.

I can't even go to his funeral to pay my respects because funerals are for closure and I'm not on that step yet;

I'm still drowning in the deep end and trying to swim out of it is harder than it was when I was five.

I've put on a smile

I've turned to every piece of doctrine I know 

I've prayed to God to take away the pain

but my soul is numb

and frankly I'm still ill over this.

I've been told it takes time to heal

but the clock is ticking

and my heart can't stay broken for much longer.

all I ask is that you please stay,

all of you.

I'll be okay after I'm sure of that.

http://youtu.be/zVxdY4rWIlQ