if you really knew me

i didnt get to do one of these, and because CW1 is revealing themselves this week i thought maybe i could too. im scared.


if you really knew me, you would know little french shops
and italian gelato
chocolate and strawberry to be exact.

you would know my fingers long for piano keys
even though i have never owned a piano in my life
you would know gardens filled with roses and peonies
red, pink, and that pretty warm orange color that they put out in the front row at home depot in june.
you would feel a lot of love
it would feel like that pretty orange color in june sometimes
but mostly it would feel black.

you would know a variety of red lipsticks
named things like hot rod or cherry kiss
but never just plain red.

you would know chanel perfumes and pink vanities,
books without a book case, loud alarm clocks, people in picture frames,
sheet music, an application to juilliard, an unmade bed, california license plates,
and a plethora of sketch books filled with drawings of humans i have never met;
they are all different.

you would know hiking trails and mountain breezes
and that my lungs only breathe in the sea salt and pine.

you would know shutter speed and aperture
because my nikon d90 lives in the apples of my eyes,

and that i have an entire playlist made up of ben howard, keaton henson and tom odell;
and how its for when i finally get my first kiss.
you would know that ive been absolutely broken many times
and im pretty good at covering up the layer of heartbreak
that tries to seep through my words like fog.
but you would know only the best of the best can see through it.

you would know i love to be fancy but my sweats are my best friends,
and that swinging on the swings makes me happy;
you would know my biggest insecurity are my legs
because no matter how much running or squatting i do they stay the exact same.
you would know that my cello lives in my soul
and that bach is my favorite composer.

you would know that tennis isnt just what i play,
its what i live for

and that i always peel my apples before i eat them.
you would know ive always wished my name was lola
and that i prefer bubble gum over mint
and that i watch too many movies
and that i study harry potter religiously.
you would know the real me:
jacqueline jane bitton,
born on april 22, 1997 at 6:38am
and that i came out blue.
shout out to the doctors for draining my lungs
and shout out to god for making me
me.

now you know me,
i still hope you like me.