healing is hard

I saw you in the hallway today

I'll be honest I thought it was real.

curly blond hair. blue eyes. converse.

it scared me, you weren't supposed to be there 

but when I blinked, you were gone.

my heart pounded

I was scared

I was alone

there was no one to be seen;

just the sounds of my heavy breathing and brisk footsteps two halls over.

it must of been the lack of sleep and the dull throb of xanax that never worked and hasn't worked since last thursday.

but I had seen you

and I wanted to shout your name and pretend you hadn't jumped in front of that train,

but I was afraid you had forgotten my name.

things have been so fragile 

and I don't know when it's appropriate to

start feeling 'okay' again. 

I want to feel okay but dang it people I just can't.

I can't even go to his funeral to pay my respects because funerals are for closure and I'm not on that step yet;

I'm still drowning in the deep end and trying to swim out of it is harder than it was when I was five.

I've put on a smile

I've turned to every piece of doctrine I know 

I've prayed to God to take away the pain

but my soul is numb

and frankly I'm still ill over this.

I've been told it takes time to heal

but the clock is ticking

and my heart can't stay broken for much longer.

all I ask is that you please stay,

all of you.

I'll be okay after I'm sure of that.

http://youtu.be/zVxdY4rWIlQ