still

it's always around 1:30am when it hits me the hardest;

sometimes it's the fact that tomorrow I will hate 7:30am but mostly that gut wrenching smell seeping through the walls.

it's in his clothes and in my bathroom and in my room; 

hell, I can't even use my favorite Chapstick anymore because the smell of it makes me physically ill.

I guess I should be thanking God that it's not green anymore, but it hurts just as bad.

my heart still aches and breaks and my eyes are watered down

but my lips, they quiver more

they frown more

and they taste bitter

bitter like cookie dough without sugar 

bitter like his eyes and his laugh when I ask him to stop

bitter like the strawberry flavored Chapstick that my nose inspects and my tongue rejects

bitter like a broken heart trying to remember when and where some pieces went missing. 

but honey 7:30am comes early tomorrow and my eyes are weak and

my head aches.

maybe tomorrow I'll try harder beat 1:30am

at least before then the picture of us 5 & 3 sitting on my windowsill 

is still precious

and that sweet little boy is still innocent.