irises

sorry for love yet again.

it's just what hurts.

I always thought you had brown eyes.

they were soft and deep,

kind of like your soul and a little bit how you spoke.

they defined you and me

and the proximity 

of our fingers intertwined.

I missed them often

but they were always familiar;

always immutable

always brown.

but last night you looked right into me

and when I looked back,

I saw hazel

something I'd never seen in you.

I had known you for three and a half years and never saw that obvious green tint that blended between the brown I had always loved.

maybe brown was always for me,

but last night when I saw green I knew it was only for her.

your eyes became strangers and in five slow seconds,

my heart broke its last piece;

the last shard still standing became shattered, and it felt like my arteries couldn't keep pumping the last ounce of blood back out into my veins.

I cried

but the rain covered up my tears;

the sky knew I didn't want you to see.

you left me with bare palms and a weakening pulse

wet hair, wet clothes

and my wet eyes,

they longed for brown when I got my last glimpse;

but all I saw was hazel.

that green tint that blended between the edges of brown.

a hard, shallow,

non-immutable,

unfamiliar

hazel.

video

sorry I edited just a wee bit. I had some time. 

also, I performed this on April 21, the day before my birthday. and 18 isnt as scary as I thought. so here I am, slammin in the canyon.

words we swallowed

it was warm and june;

the type of day when 'I love you's' and 'I hate you's' meant the same thing and dandelions were more that just weeds.

we came at dusk and didn't leave till dawn;

our moms were mad and our words weren't much

but our eyes said everything,

except for what we both needed to hear.

our tongues weren't brave enough,

our hearts weren't brave enough,

not even our eyes were brave enough

and perhaps that's why my wounds still sting and your middle seat is filled.

people call us complexity

we want to be called clarity 

but we both know clarity doesn't start with a plus-one and blue eyes;

it starts with you-plus-me

and dark green pine trees

just like the ones in june.

if only we had choked instead of swallowed that warm day somewhere in between dusk and dawn.

'I love you' would've come out sooner.

eat, sleep, think, repeat.

spring break comes with a routine:

eat, think, eat, sleep, think, eat, think, think, think

think

sleep

repeat.

there is too much time for my mind to wander, and call me crazy but I would rather read my language textbook than be thinking.

I've looked everywhere for the off switch 

so I could listen to the waves crash without hearing the faint sound of your soft voices echoing with the whitewater.

it's replaying in my mind like a 

scratched cd;

his weak smile and sparks in his eyes; a heartbreaking sense of longing and lust with you;

and the scary part is that

they both make sense.

but my lungs are growing weak from the exhaustion of running away from what I want most,

and my heart is confused on the subject of friendship.

the empty feeling is becoming constant and I want it to leave,

but I want it to leave the right way.

so, to love with pain and longing

or to love unfaithfully;

because no matter how much I love him I will always have the thought of you in the back of my broken mind

wishing every kiss, every touch

every conversation

was with you. 

it's a sick disease 

and unfortunately I cannot imagine the day where I will finally be able to say,

"I don't love you anymore"

maybe someday you'll take a good look into my eyes

and see past the thick layer of whatever was holding you back and think, "it's always been her"

because I know for myself 

it'll always be you.

running

my lungs are burning,

gasping for air with every stride

watching the trees go by

I am running.

the colors are turning fast

and my mind wants to catch up

but my heart has a calendar of its own,

and it says May 28 shouldn't be

this close

I am running.

my legs want to stop

and memories are being made,

but the clock ticks on 

and those memories are becoming blurs;

minds are spinning

legs are still moving

I am running.

I am running

I am running

I am running

hell, im sprinting

and baby this is the last mile of 26.2

my lungs are burning,

gasping for air with every stride.

why am I still running?

if you really knew me

i didnt get to do one of these, and because CW1 is revealing themselves this week i thought maybe i could too. im scared.


if you really knew me, you would know little french shops
and italian gelato
chocolate and strawberry to be exact.

you would know my fingers long for piano keys
even though i have never owned a piano in my life
you would know gardens filled with roses and peonies
red, pink, and that pretty warm orange color that they put out in the front row at home depot in june.
you would feel a lot of love
it would feel like that pretty orange color in june sometimes
but mostly it would feel black.

you would know a variety of red lipsticks
named things like hot rod or cherry kiss
but never just plain red.

you would know chanel perfumes and pink vanities,
books without a book case, loud alarm clocks, people in picture frames,
sheet music, an application to juilliard, an unmade bed, california license plates,
and a plethora of sketch books filled with drawings of humans i have never met;
they are all different.

you would know hiking trails and mountain breezes
and that my lungs only breathe in the sea salt and pine.

you would know shutter speed and aperture
because my nikon d90 lives in the apples of my eyes,

and that i have an entire playlist made up of ben howard, keaton henson and tom odell;
and how its for when i finally get my first kiss.
you would know that ive been absolutely broken many times
and im pretty good at covering up the layer of heartbreak
that tries to seep through my words like fog.
but you would know only the best of the best can see through it.

you would know i love to be fancy but my sweats are my best friends,
and that swinging on the swings makes me happy;
you would know my biggest insecurity are my legs
because no matter how much running or squatting i do they stay the exact same.
you would know that my cello lives in my soul
and that bach is my favorite composer.

you would know that tennis isnt just what i play,
its what i live for

and that i always peel my apples before i eat them.
you would know ive always wished my name was lola
and that i prefer bubble gum over mint
and that i watch too many movies
and that i study harry potter religiously.
you would know the real me:
jacqueline jane bitton,
born on april 22, 1997 at 6:38am
and that i came out blue.
shout out to the doctors for draining my lungs
and shout out to god for making me
me.

now you know me,
i still hope you like me.

An Ode to Julie-O

Julie-O

the piece my mind raced to when I first heard Lisa Jackson play it in the 9th grade. 

it was swift

it was crisp

it swung in ways my fingers wanted to

it was the first time I fell in love with sixteenth notes and pizzicato;

it was the first time the cello and my heart became one.

I had played for 3 years prior but hadn't at the same time.

I played for mom and dad

sometimes grandma and grandpa, 

but never for me

I was just a jock and a kid on student council

being a musician came last and tuning to an A seemed pointless.

but Julie-O, you made me.

you turned a mindset of popularity into a piece of art covered in F sharps and grace notes

you created a love for crescendos and concertos and a soul craving rosin on her bow and strings beneath her fingers;

you made beauty in her eyes out of rosewood and fiberglass pegs;

you let ME discover myself.

so this is an ode to you, Julie-O

thank you for letting me hear you

and learn you and your crazy cello-slapping wonders,

and hopefully someday I will perform you,

because true love deserves to be shared,

and this type of love is a masterpiece.

I love you, Julie-O.

http://youtu.be/37kDLZonLMk

(sorry, I am unable to beat box to this song. so don't get your hopes up)
http://youtu.be/_FRnYr3FaXI

(this one is the cover I semi-copied)

http://youtu.be/QCVJlPAtTpk

(also here's something I did, not Julie-O)

also thanks Lisa for being a great friend/cellist. you inspire me.